authentic.

you all wouldn't believe that I have more than thirty drafts in my queue and I left this blog sitting here, like I have nothing to say.  

the truth is, I never quit telling my story, I just quit writing it - well on the blog anyway.  I much prefer sharing the weight loss journey through pictures on instagram, but that really only scratches the surface of my life.  although I haven't posted here in 8 months, I think about it all the time.  the issue is, when I started this blog, I am not sure that I was in a space where I could share the entire story of what got me to a little over 300lbs in the first place.  

here's the thing - I have never thought that my story was special, unique or one of a kind.  there are many folks that grew up with my same circumstances or probably worse. my upbringing wasn't that bad.  however, I genuinely believe that I was being as honest as I could be.  I mean I wasn't lying, I just don't think that I was ready to share all that I am SUPPOSED to share with the world.  

I don't know if I had kept going, if I would have told the whole story.  I have learned a lot about myself in that short period of time, and I realize that this thing is so much bigger than losing the fat.  I have literally had to let go of dead weight that I didn't even realize I was carrying; some of which I am still carrying.  I have always been self-aware; but more recently, I have been confronting things that I didn't think were issues for me anymore and things that I have allowed to lie dormant and suppressed for years.  by the grace of God I am healed from those scars more each day. 

I pray that I can remain consistent enough to share the challenges and wins big or small, so that they can help someone.  

I pray you have been well.

God bless you all.

in faith, love and optimal health

sabotuer

1. a person who commits or practices sabotage.

sabotage - noun

1. any underhand interference with production, work, etc., in a plant,factory, etc., as by enemy agents during wartime or by employees during a trade dispute.

2. any undermining of a cause.

Synonyms

disable, vandalize, cripple.

i do this a lot. i do it without even knowing it. then i spend days, sometimes even weeks trying to recover from perceived failure from being too hard on myself.  don't get me wrong - during this process, heck during life, there are times when it is appropriate and necessary to set the bar really high in order to achieve a goal.  however, what has hindered me all these years is not understanding that there will be hard days, and some days i will fail; nor have i allowed myself to be in this space.  don't get me wrong, by no means do i think that complacency and excuse making is okay...but we are human.  i am human.  mistakes happen. failures occur.  

self-sabotage, for me has often been subtle.  it wasn't until a few years ago that i realized that i was doing it.  i did it in many different areas of my life, but typically and most noticeable was with my weight loss journey.  the outcome would be me stalling and doing absolutely nothing at all to progress.  it became apparent that this sabotage was driven by fear.  i would do stupid stuff like stay up all night knowing that i have to workout in the morning; each monday, tell myself i am going to eat better, but then i don't go shopping the weekend prior; or set a goal to lose like 50lbs in 2 days (okay, not really, but kinda), but then realize 5 minutes after i set that preposterous goal, that it was just that and give up before i start.

i know reading this, it seems super simple and super stupid, but i would do it all them time.  even as i write this my eyes are blurry because i got caught up last night procrastinating (read sabotaging myself), knowing that i have 5 miles to run today and a host of other things to do.  the fact of the matter is, although not always successful, i have had to find ways to keep myself from derailing myself.  i have had to learn to get out of my own way.

how - 

1. prayer/meditation - i talk to the Creator, often. about my shortcomings, successes, failures, goals and dreams.  and then listen for how He guides me (i am actually working on the listening part - real talk...).

2. reminding myself that i do not have to be afraid to succeed or fail.

3. forgiving myself for the times i have failed.

4. not trying to accomplish a million goals at one time.  i can achieve one goal at a time, or several; but i don't have to overwhelm myself with trying to 'do it all in one day.' 

how have you been able to get out of your own way? i would love to know.  let's help one another!

In optimal health and love,

Talia Felicia

put the oxygen mask on you...

first. then you can help others. isn't that what they tell you on the airplane? these days, I am really beginning to understand what this means. In general,  women nurture. it's our nature. It is so easy to get caught up in what those around us need, that often we neglect our mental, physical and spiral health. now don't laugh at me, but I have a little secret.  today (well actually yesterday) was my first time getting a real professional massage and facial. I know, I know...you ladies out there who have been 'hip to the game' are gasping for air and clutching your pearls.  you wouldn't believe how nervous I was even scheduling my services. see, over time, my weight has slowly caused me to retreat from doing certain things. and this is the kicker, it wasn't because I was ashamed or embarrassed for the massage therapist to see my body,  but that I was going to uncomfortable because of my large breasts and large frame, laying there on the table. 

the other side to this coin is that I have subconsciously trained myself to believe that I don't deserve certain things until I become my ideal weight...whatever that is. but today was different,  it was a lesson for me. A lesson is taking care of what God has given me (read blessed me with)- my body, to the best of my ability.  the massage and facial were BOMB. very therapeutic, relaxing; you know, everything you would expect one to be. but as I lay there bare one that table, one thing was really clear; I have missed out. Always waiting for tomorrow,  or the perfect circumstances.  because I have told myself that I am not worthy because of my weight, or attached some lofty goal, with a ridiculous time frame for which to complete to something as simple as a pedicure, I have let my weight control me. 

today was necessary for so many reasons. and dropped a few gems on my spirit in the process.

1). getting a little time away is important. 

- like most if you, I have a life that requires that I give most of me to others on a daily basis. Whether that is husbands, kids, work, friends - life happens. but I cannot forget to take a little time EVERYDAY to center, talk to God and be present regarding my life.   

2). I cannot allow my perceived inadequacies to hold me hostage.

for so many years I have made myself promises (and broke them all) about how I would take care of myself, and what I would do if.... I am learning to just enjoy life today, and the skin I am in. Taking care if myself is a choice.  Fear is a choice.  I can't be a prisoner in my own mind or body about even one thing. I have to live.

3). spas a cool but...

-every thing in my life doesn't have to be 'go hard or go home.' today was a treat because I am on an annual girls trip with one of my closest friends since high school. but a walk, trip to the local drug store, shoot locking the bathroom door and turning the music up real loud, will do too. the point is I don't have to wait for these big grand gestures to take care of myself.

4). but on the flip side, luxury and pampering are okay too.  choices.

- again choices. listen, I can't do this every week, or every month for that matter.  They way my accounts are set up...well let's just say, yeah no..ha ha ha! However, I think back to how many times I have had dinner away from my house and how I could have paid for the spa 10 ten times over this year. I have made food my celebratory 'go to' for so long, that it became the norm.  get a new client - eat. buy a new house - eat. get pregnant - eat (okay, maybe that one is legit). Eat, eat, eat. well I am changing my mindset...spa, spa, SPA! rewarding myself in other ways now.  

I know this is no big revelation for some of you, and for that I say congratulations.  my issue is not knowing it, but doing it. I have to remind myself to be about it, instead of talking about it.' 

In what ways do you save yourself first?  where you you duck off to and hide out? lol, let me know.  love you guys.

In optimal health and love,

Talia

thanks to the ladies at Milan Day Spa - Savannah. I wanted to pack them up and put them in my purse..yasss! 

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